| A Word Edgewise by Mary Joe Clendenin |
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| A Word Edgewise by Mary Joe Clendenin |
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Last Updated 01/20/06
LEARN TO BITE YOUR TONGUE, IF YOU WANT WEDDED BLISS
We have another wedding anniversary this week, the 53rd. I can hardly believe that--and I must admit there have been a few times in those years when I never expected to celebrate another. But right now, I feel even capable of giving a little advice of how to live with a spouse with reasonable happiness. I think I have learned a few things about how to keep harmony from hiding in the closet--or vacating the premises altogether.
Married bliss is not exactly a fantasy, it’s just as elusive as most pipe dreams. Certainly, bliss and harmony take much work to accomplish, just as any other great piece of art work.
I asked a friend whose marriage has also passed the half century mark, if he ever got mad at his beloved. He said he had never gotten mad at her, but he had gotten pretty aggravated a few times. Could be, he and I are just using different words for the same emotion. When he gets aggravated he calls his missus by her maiden name and attributes all the family faults to her.
Someone asked me one time when we were talking about marriage difficulties, "Have you ever thought about getting a divorce?"
I said, "No, but I have thought about killing him a few times."
Of course, that was before killing a spouse became so common. I wouldn’t dare make such a statement now--and it’s not because of vast improvements in the state of affairs--oops, I shouldn’t use that term, either. Gossips might say one of us is having one.
Now, we are you ready for words of wisdom--or words unwise to be spoken, and words to be used with the utmost caution? I’ve learned that certain combinations of words, combined with certain intonations, in certain contexts, can shatter peace and harmony like bullets through a windshield. Most of them you’ve probably learned to avoid already--if you have been married more than a week.
` "I told you so." Now I guarantee a flush of anger will adorn the countenance of any spouse who hears those words. You may as well go on to say, "I’m smarter than you, but you never listen. You just had to have it your way--" Another sure fire starter, " You just had to have your way," implying that you are a spoiled, selfish brat and think nothing of the other person’s wishes.
Some words can be wonderfully kind under some circumstances and anger mongers in others. "Here, let me do that," is a good example of such a phrase. If you are trying to do something that takes a little extra coordination and he is waiting impatiently (how else could he wait?), the words seem to mean, "I can do it better than you can. You are so uncoordinated you should keep your hands in your pockets for fear you’ll get them caught in the machinery." But if you’re struggling to carry in nine bags of groceries with two hands, the words are as welcome as a chocolate bar.
Never, never, never say, "You never..." That’s like a judgment of your whole life--long before he ever knew you. Goes right along with "You always..." because you are too dumb to learn from experience.
Spouses are not the only ones our tongues attack with venom. Remember when junior or sister did something destructive or dumb and mother said, "You’re just like your mother/father, Can’t you ever do anything right!" Poor sister or junior. Right away they know that they have at least one faulty parent.
How about when husband says, "My mother always..." he doesn’t have to finish the sentence. You know immediately that you fall short of the golden measuring stick. Whether he intends to say "ironed my shirts," or "fixed me a hot breakfast," or bragged on my father," he needs an extra hug.
Mothers are wonderful, and wives were never expected to take the place of mothers. Every man needs at least two people in the wide, wicked world who think he is wonderful. If wives and mothers were a little freer in declaring the admiration they feel for the son and husband, men would blossom like cacti in the desert.
With all these fighting words--and I’ve mentioned just a few--you’d think that Ray would be afraid to open his mouth around here, and that I would be tongue-tied. Truth is, we’ve both learned to appreciate each other. He’s very thoughtful to compliment the meals I prepare for him daily. And I almost always remember to brag on the job he does when he cleans my car and fills it with gas. He works at doing his share of the chores around the house--if I don’t rush him. We both like to do things at our own speed and to select the time in which to do them. I don’t think you could even sneak up and hear much nagging on this hill.
Call it being aggravated or mad, whichever you choose. We’ve learned, for the most part, to give each other room, and not to say things in anger. Even if you could eat your words, with or without the sauce of apology, erasing the memory of the hurt caused by the words is another matter. The Bible says that love covers a multitude of sins, but using love to intervene before the hurt is much less wear and tear to the marriage bond.
Foolish I may be, but I guarantee these words to be healing instead of hurting,. "I need a hug." and they certainly are truthful--about four hugs a day for maintenance and more for growth.
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Have you met Monica? Not the infamous one, the nice helpful one who is now works in the library. Check in and check out. The library is a great place to spend a little time--and find information about most things--even when the home computer balks.