| A Word Edgewise
by Mary Joe Clendenin |
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HUMAN BEINGS CAN'T RELY ON INSTINCT
by Mary Joe Clendenin
Mama sea turtles crawl up on the beaches along Padre Island, make their cumbersome way to sand above the high water line and deposit their eggs in a sand nest. The hatchlings, no matter which direction they are pointed when they break out of their shells, head directly for the ocean.
Geese and other fowl, butterflies, winter in South America--although the butterflies have never been there in their life time--they know the exact location where they should go. Bears go into hibernation without a calendar or weather forecaster to tell them when the big cold is coming. Fish swim thousands of miles to spawn in waters they have never visited since hatching. Spiders, without waiting to learn or remember the pattern for the web suited to their kind, spin their webs and wait for their prey.
Creatures of nature have certain built-in behavior patterns that substitute for having to be taught, to equip them to survive and thrive in the wild. The gift is called. "instinct."
I was taught in psychology classes that human beings are born with only one instinct: the instinct to suck. All other behaviors necessary and appropriate to human beings must be learned--most from role models. That's where the rub comes. The growing numbers of child abuse, of killing their own children, or of children killing their parents, may be due to not having learned, not having been taught, nurturing behaviors and attitudes.
Instinct does not lead us to appropriate ways to express love. We must be taught. We need to know, to be shown, to hear "I love you," and to say it--most of all to act it.
Among the many things we do not instinctively know is how to parent. In earlier times, when families lived close together, mothers helped daughters learn how to take care of new born babies. I remember one time when I was lugging my first-born around, in what was undoubtedly an awkward looking manner, my dad said, "Go up to the house and get your mother to show you how to hold a baby." (Notice, he didn't offer to show me.)
When big families were the norm, older boys and girls were taught, or learned from doing, how to take care of younger brothers and sisters. Through necessity, mothers of from eight to eighteen children had help from the older ones.
I learned from my mother that babies were to be bathed every morning, were to be fed and cuddled. When families are scattered all over the country as child-bearing time comes, and neighbors are strangers, who teaches parents to be mothers and fathers?
Then came the things to teach a child--attitude things that many children miss, such as delay of gratification, empathy, respect for self and others, self control (including expression of anger without harming others), a value system. Such things are taught either directly, or learned from role models.
Research has shown that young boys who grow up in homes without male role models are more violent. They have no concept of delayed gratification. When they want something they want it now. Girls too, are not taught to control wants. To many, no one says, "You have to save your money to get that." "No candy before supper." "You can't stay up late to watch that program." "You must wait until adulthood and marriage to have, or to father a baby."
Role models? In families where parents buy what they want, when they want it--after all, we have credit cards. May as well charge to the max. Soon, debts make for quarrels and short tempers--and emotional separation if not physical.
Too often, the child has no opportunity to see people get angry and still be in control of their actions. Instead, she/he may habitually see and hear mother and daddy yell at each other, hurt each other, or hurt him/her. It isn't long before she thinks that is usual, if not proper behavior.
Without contact across generations when families don't live near relatives, or go to church, or other functions where people of all ages and heritages gather--where all are treated with respect, children do not learn respect for others. Prejudice is taught. Young children have to be taught to notice differences instead of to accept other children of all races or ethnic groups as friends.
All of these things require a patient loving relationship, and if the parents and significant others have never learned the qualities that make for peace and contentment, where can the child go to learn? Where can children learn these things when parents are untaught?
Instinct, unfortunately, will get us no where in life. We can't live and thrive like turtles, birds or spiders. We all need each other and the power to learn from each other. We need close-knit communities. No wonder schools and teachers have bigger and bigger shoes to fill.